I’m not a figure skater. You’ll never see me on a luge, in a bobsled, or skiing cross country and pausing to shoot at a target. Same goes for the Summer games – no gymnastics, diving, or 100-meter dash for me.
But you know what? I’m a gold medalist in a little known event: Changing a Child’s Wet Bed in the Dark at 3am. Yes, fans, I’m talking about the Magnificent Olympics of Motherhood, also known as…The MOM Games.
Since some of you may not be aware that this is an actual scored event, I thought I’d take this opportunity to educate you on the finer aspects of its scoring.
1. The Event Begins – In other events, the beginning is marked by a gunshot or a horn. Not here, although it may seem that way to your perpetually sleep-deprived body. Here the event starts with the child leaving his or her bed. Points are awarded based on the following criteria: How quickly do you go from fast asleep to out of bed? Are you awake from the moment the child’s door opens, or must said child shake you awake? Are your feet on the floor before your brain registers that you’re up? Max score 10 points. Points lost if spouse wakes up and you have a conversation about whose turn it is to change the bed.
2. Bed Changing – The heart of this event. Here you can earn a maximum of 50 points, but like in figure skating, they are divided into 2 categories: Technical (30 points) and Artistry (20 points). Full marks given for sheets that match and covers that are fully tucked in. All points lost if you decide to take the easy way out and cover the wet spot with a towel.
3. Change the Child – No, this isn’t about making them stop wetting the bed (oh, if only)…it’s about changing their pajamas. 10 points awarded for getting the child successfully changed, with a bonus of 5 points if the pajama bottoms and top match, and another 5 if you get the child to change himself while you change the bed. Even at 3am, it’s all about multitasking!
4. Dump Soiled Laundry in the Laundry Room – Self explanatory. 10 points. Points subtracted if you leave the laundry on the floor of the child’s room or in the hallway to deal with in the morning.
5. Total Time to Bed – How quickly can you execute the entire event and reach the finish line by climbing back into your own bed? 10 points.
Bonus points are awarded for the following:
10 points – Child stays half asleep and goes back to sleep with no fuss.
10 points – Sibling stays asleep during entire event (15 points if sibling is in the same room!).
20 points – Spouse stays blissfully asleep and says “I didn’t know you did that last night” when told about your marvelous performance in the morning.
Ladies and gentlemen, for those of you keeping track, I scored an amazing 155 points last night, earning me the gold medal in the 2010 MOM games. Of course, I share this honor with many of you, but that’s the beauty of the MOM games….there are plenty of medals to go around.
So tell me, what’s your best MOM event?